


All that remains are words in the rain

by Margarie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Break Up, I'm Sorry, M/M, this sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26360158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Margarie/pseuds/Margarie
Summary: The realisation that he is losing the love of his life never really hits Tobio. It sneaks up on him like a gentle wave.ORA bit of an introspective fic based on my two favourite dudes.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 5
Kudos: 35





	All that remains are words in the rain

**Author's Note:**

> At this stage, this is mostly angst. I am not sure why but this literally came to me in a dream (kidding, I just couldn't sleep and the wave thing came to me and I just couldn't let it go).
> 
> The title is based on a song called Give it All by the Foals, which I love love love, I recommend you give it a listen.
> 
> I am thinking of a second part with a happy ending, maybe? Let me know what you think.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

It’s 02:27 and Hinata Shōyō can’t sleep. He has been struggling to sleep lately. In the past, the warmth of Tobio next to him guaranteed that he would drift off almost instantly. Snuggling up to his husband and being surrounded by everything _Tobio_ used to be like a knock to the head. Now, instead of sleeping he is staring at Tobio sleep. This is his first night back from his away games. He had been gone for three weeks and of course Hinata had missed him.

But.

But Shōyō had gotten used to the silence over the years. At first the house felt empty without Tobio. At first, Shōyō couldn’t fall asleep in a cold bed. But later, later the silence had become a second partner. Shōyō bought a heated blanket and spoke to his cat and watered his plants and learnt to cook and watched Tobio’s matches. He missed Tobio when he was gone. But missing him had become second nature to Shōyō.

He watches Tobio’s silhouette, bathed in moonlight. He wants to wake him up. He desperately wants to wake him and just tell him the truth: he is lonely. Because, sure, he enjoys his alone time, but he’s felt truly lonely for a while now. Even when Tobio is home. Especially when Tobio is home. When Tobio is gone it is easy to explain the loneliness: Tobio is gone. When he comes back its harder. Because as soon as Tobio walks through the door he always, always pulls Shōyō close for a hug. Always gives him a kiss on the forehead. Shōyō always feels warm and fuzzy when that happens. But Tobio always, always lets him go eventually. And then things are supposed to go back to normal, but he just can’t shake the feeling that Tobio doesn’t quite fit in his life anymore.

Shōyō moves closer to Tobio, presses his chest to his husband’s back, wraps his arm around Tobio’s waist. He feels tears pool in his eyes. He loves Tobio, god he loves Tobio so fucking much. He has loved Tobio since he was 16 and that has always felt like something that would never stop. It always felt like a fact about Shōyō: he has red hair, he plays volleyball, he loves Tobio. But lately he’s been wondering if that is enough. Loving Tobio hasn’t stopped the loneliness. Loving Tobio hasn’t stopped Shōyō from getting used to the silence in his home, hasn’t stopped him from growing to love the silence (in his own way).

And lately the little things that he always just thought of as ‘Tobio’ have started to bother him. His husband is always teasing him, calling him an idiot. But never gets around to praising him. Tobio never tells Shōyō how much he loves and adores him unless he is specifically asked. And even then, he’s always complaining that it’s so hard to do. Shōyō understands, that’s just how Tobio is. But lately he hasn’t been so understanding because why should it be so hard to know why you love your partner? Why should it be so hard to express things that you adore about the person you love? It’s like breathing to Shōyō, everybody knows what he adores about his husband, he can’t stop himself from finding the things that he loves and sharing them. And he knows that that isn’t how Tobio is, but fuck. Doesn’t Shōyō deserve to feel adored? Doesn’t he deserve to feel like Tobio is enamoured by him? He has done all the reading on love languages and understands that Tobio is expressing his adoration in his own way but… but lately that hasn’t been enough.

The main problem is that sometimes, Tobio does do that. So, it has to be a lack of effort? Shōyō isn’t sure anymore. He feels loved and safe but not adored. He feels lonely, as if there is a space between him and Tobio that he doesn’t know what to do with. Jesus. Shōyō wants these thoughts to stop because he loves Tobio, he doesn’t want to lose his husband. His husband who has always been there. Who has never let him down, not really. Tobio has never really hurt him or betrayed him and has always been there. Is that enough?

Hinata feels angry. He feels greedy. Because that should be enough, shouldn’t it? Being loved should be enough. He feels like they’re speaking different languages and are just barely communicating. He knows that Tobio has always had trouble communicating and this is just one more thing that they need to get through. But he can’t admit the problem to his husband. For the first time in his life, Shōyō truly feels like a coward. Because every time Tobio is gone he decides to bring it up and every time Tobio comes home he decides that it can wait.

* * *

The realisation that he is losing the love of his life never really hits Tobio. It sneaks up on him like a gentle wave.

At first, the water barely touches his feet. Shōyō takes a few hours to reply to his text, instead of the usual instant reply. Tobio isn’t too concerned, he is very busy. Plus, he knows that he has always been a bad texter. Maybe Shōyō just got distracted.

It pushes up to his legs. Shōyō is asleep when he comes home from a two-week long trip. Usually Shōyō is too excited to sleep when Tobio is returning from a trip. This time he walks into a quiet house, his husband fast asleep next to their cat. He considers making a nice dinner and waking up Shōyō so they can talk a bit. He decides not to.

The wave reaches his hips. He knows something is wrong, but he doesn’t know what. Shōyō gets up early on the mornings that they have off together. Usually they lie in and just talk for hours, giggling until one of them is too hungry to stay in bed any longer. The first time he wakes up on a Sunday morning and hears Shōyō eating cereal at 07:00 his chest clenches with panic. He ignores it, knows that he’s probably being silly. By the fourth or fifth time he wakes up alone he accepts this as a fact.

It spills over his chest. Shōyō gets angry at him one day after he teases him. Usually, Shōyō laughs and indulges Tobio. When Tobio makes the same, teasing joke that he’s made thousands of times before Shōyō snaps. Tobio remembers being confused at his husband’s anger, not sure what had changed. He doesn’t stop Shōyō from going for a walk instead of talking to him.

When he wakes up at 02:28 and feels his husband hugging him, he almost goes back to sleep. But then he hears a small sniffle: Shōyō is crying. The wave of realisation finally reaches his head, and Tobio is drowning. Shōyō always wakes him up when he’s sad, always. Tobio feels like he can’t breathe, he wants to scream. Shōyō’s arm tightens around his waist, Shōyō is clinging to him like a lifeboat. He realises that they both might have been drowning.

Tobio feels the now familiar feeling of loneliness in his stomach. He realises that he has been losing Shōyō for a while now. His husband has been less and less himself. No, that’s not right. Shōyō has always just been himself. He has just become less and less Tobio’s Shōyō. The secret tenderness that has always been reserved for only each other has been slipping away and Tobio hadn’t even noticed.

He wishes he could do something. He turns around, towards his husband. He pulls Shōyō into his arms, into his chest. It’s like a damn that breaks. Shōyō starts to sob, clinging to his husband. Tobio feels his heart breaking. He lets Shōyō cry, he knows that he needs it. He feels a tear sliding down his face but doesn’t indulge that. Now is not the time, this isn’t about him. Later. Later he will go to the study and when he is alone, he will grieve. He will grieve that Shōyō is crying in the dark instead of even talking to him. For now, he will hold his lover and let him cry.

* * *

Although they don’t know it, they both think about the first time they kissed. It had been raining (they always joke about how cliché that is). It had been raining and without a warning Hinata had declared that he was in love with Kageyama. They were sharing an umbrella and Hinata just couldn’t help it. Kageyama’s hair had been wet, sticking to his forehead. He had looked so startled when Hinata had (literally) shouted that he was absolutely in love with Kageyama.

Tobio had been so relieved. He hadn’t even said anything before pulling Shōyō into a kiss. It was awkward and clumsy and Shōyō had to stand on his tippy toes to reach the man of his dreams. Tobio always remembers how Shōyō had grabbed onto his collar, knuckles white as he tried to pull Kageyama down, down into his mouth. Shōyō always remembers how Tobio had wrapped his arms around his waist, dropping the umbrella in favour of holding his teammate.

Shōyō feels Tobio’s arms tighten around him and wonders if that’s all that he’s going to have left after this? Just memories that fade oh so slowly. Memories of confessions in the rain. Memories of watching ridiculous movies together. Memories of staying in bed, just catching up for hours. He places a kiss to Tobio’s chest.

“It’s too late, isn’t it?” Tobio asks. He pushes a kiss to Shōyō’s head. He doesn’t want to hear the answer.

“I’m so lonely, Tobio.” Shōyō whispers. He doesn’t know what else to say.

“I know, Shō. I know.” He doesn’t add that he’s lonely, too. He doesn’t add that this is fucking unfair. He doesn’t add that he’s so angry with no idea why.

“I love you, Yama.” The nickname slips out, and for some reason that hurts Tobio more than Shōyō admitting that he’s lonely.

“But that isn’t enough anymore, is it? I’m not enough?” Tobio doesn’t want to ask the question but can’t help it. Shōyō lets out a sob. His husband’s form seems small, almost insubstantial against his chest. He has never known Shōyō to be insubstantial. It scares Tobio that he could have caused enough pain to result in this.

“I don’t think it’s your fault. I just… I just don’t know if there is anything we can do. This is just our life.” Shōyō feels dirty saying it. It feels like a cheap excuse. He knows that this doesn’t have to be their life. They can try harder they can do things differently. He knows that neither of them needs to give up. But he can’t say it, not anymore.

“I think I took you for granted. I just assumed that you’d always be there, no matter what I did.” Tobio feels another tear.

“You’re so overwhelming Tobio, you know?” Shōyō says, a sad smile tugging at his lips. He wants Tobio to know that he loves him, he needs Tobio to know. Before he can continue Tobio cuts him off with a kiss. He can’t listen to this. Not right now. He isn’t ready for Shōyō to do this. He isn’t ready.

Instead he focuses on kissing his husband. He cups Shōyō’s face, pulling him closer. The kiss is desperate, neither of them want to break away to breathe. Tobio slips his tongue into Shōyō’s mouth. He has done this millions of times. He knows exactly how to kiss his husband. This time is different.

This time, the kiss is a plead. Tobio is begging. He doesn’t know what else to do, he doesn’t know how else to promise his Shōyō that he can be enough. He needs to be enough. So, he pulls Shōyō closer and kisses him like it is the first time. He hears a soft moan come from Shōyō. A flash of triumph, this could work. But then, Shōyō changes their kiss. Soft and sweet. Unmistakeably a goodbye kiss. Shōyō was never one to second-guess himself.

Shōyō wants the heat that Tobio was giving. He wants to make love to his husband, but he knows that that isn’t fair. He can’t do that to Tobio. So, he kisses him goodbye. When he moves his hand to Tobio’s cheek he finds a tear there. Tobio has understood. Abruptly Tobio breaks the kiss. He extracts his arm from under Shōyō. He moves away and turns around. He can’t stand holding Shōyō, he can’t stand the idea of a goodbye kiss.

Instead he turns around. Tobio has no idea that he has decided to do nothing one time too many. He has no way of knowing that him turning around sends another pang of loneliness through Shōyō, helping him make his decision. He knows that he will wake up to an empty bed tomorrow. He thinks again of their first kiss, and now their last. He feels Shōyō get up out of their bed and hears him padding to their guestroom.

It’s 02:48 and Tobio thinks he has lost his husband.


End file.
